Limits create trust and build healthy relationships. Even when some people don’t like what you do, they will likely still respect you for standing up for what you believe in. Having limits can also generate safety in relationships.

Ok, so why are limits so important?

Healthy limits are a necessary element of self-care. Without limits, we might feel exhausted, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or intruded upon. Whether it’s in work or in our personal relationships, poor limits may lead to resentment, hurt, anger, and burnout.

Our limits help us take care of ourselves by giving us permission to say NO to things, to not take everything on, what is ok for us and what is not. While some behaviours clearly cross the line for almost anyone, we all have different comfort zones when it comes to everything from intimacy and privacy to lateness. When someone behaves in a way that doesn’t feel ok, that pushes our limits, we need to take care of ourselves by letting them know and making our expectations clear. 

Limits are important for both partners in a relationship, and for the health of the relationship itself. Without this clarity, we may feel resentful, taken advantage of and eventually shut down and withdraw.  It can affect our sense of self-esteem, self-worth and overall personal and interpersonal comfort level.

Respecting your partner’s limits and setting your own is a crucial part of a healthy relationship. Limits are what help you feel comfortable, whether they be about your time, your emotions, what you do and don’t want to do in bed, or anything else that will help you feel safe around your partner. 

Clear limits allow us to remain connected and communicating these limits shows our respect for the relationship, because we’re willing to put in the work to ensure that the relationship stays strong and safe. No matter what aspect of the relationship you’re setting your limits in, it’s bound to improve your relationship in the long run. Here’s how to understand your own limits and talk to your partner about respecting them.

UNHEALTHY limits are characterised by:

• Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants. Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
• Weak sense of your own identity.
• You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
• You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.

HEALTHY limits are characterised by:

• Having high self-esteem and self-respect.
• Sharing personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
• Protecting our physical and emotional space from intrusion.
• Having an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
• Being assertive, confidently, and truthfully saying YES or NO and being OK when others say NO to us.
• Separating your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognizing that your boundaries and needs are different from others.
• Empowering yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself. If you are dealing with someone who is physically dangerous or threatening to you, it may not be safe to attempt to set explicit boundaries with them. If you are in this situation, it can be helpful to work with a counsellor, therapist or advocate to create a safety plan and boundary setting may be a part of this.

Setting limits in relationship is often uncomfortable and people may get defensive if you say NO to some things or when you try communicating your needs more clearly. They may try to test your limits, to see how serious you are about it. Or they may be used to you responding in a certain way (agreeing to take on everything), and they may struggle when you try to make some changes. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong, it may just mean that you need to be clear and consistent until they adjust to the new way of interacting.

Examples of reasonable limits to set

Of course, every relationship is unique, and every individual has different comfort levels when it comes to certain scenarios. That being said, there are some specific themes that are very reasonable to set, according to your own preferences.

1. Sexual limits

What are your needs and limitations surrounding sex? Consider the following:

• • How early in the relationship you’d like to have sex
  • Types of sexual touch you do and don’t feel comfortable with
  • When and where you feel most comfortable having sex
  • Not being pressured into having sex if you don’t want to

2. Emotional limits

It’s natural that you want to take your partner’s feelings into account, but you may set emotional limits including:

• Not feeling overly responsible for managing your partner’s emotions
• Listening and expressing compassion for your partner without absorbing their emotions

3. Time limits

You don’t have to spend all your time with your partner. You can set boundaries such as:

• How often you’d like to see your partner
• Limitations on the amount of time spent with your partner
• Limitations on how you’d like your time to be treated, such as how long you’re willing to wait after an agreed upon meeting time

4. Communication limits

Before communication conflicts start to arise, you can set your limits including:

• Defining what is and isn’t okay for you surrounding communication
• Making a commitment to not engage in name-calling during arguments

How to establish your limits

Starting out and changing the way we respond isn’t always easy, and it may feel uncomfortable to start with. Here’s some ideas to get you started:

• Identify your needs and limitations: You can’t set boundaries with a partner if you aren’t sure where your own limitations are. Get reflective and decide what you need. If this is hard for you, you should try to connect to your thoughts and feelings the next time you’re in a situation where you feel discomfort or anger, since this may be a sign that your boundaries are being crossed. 
• Make requests, not demands: While demands can create a power dynamic, requests put you on the same team. This can sound like, “Would you be willing to give me some alone time in the house today?” as opposed to “I need some time alone in the house today.”
• Use I statements: I statements allow the conversation to focus on your needs rather than blaming. These statements start with “I” and allow you to clearly express your feelings. You can start with “I think,” “I feel,” or “I need.”
• Maintain respect for your partner: Throughout the process, make sure you respect and honour your partner’s needs and limitations, too.

Don’t be scared of setting limits… give it a go!

References:

Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend

Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine

Self-Care 101: Setting Healthy Boundaries by Dr Dana Nelson 2016